“Two and a half men”

1. Charlie: I said “No TV”, he said “Okay”. I said “Go to bed”, he said “Okay”. What’d you want from me?

Alan: Charlie, he’s taking advantage of you because he knows you won’t follow through.

Charlie: Well, he obviously knows me better than you do.

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2. Alan: He’s ten. He’s got the attention span of a hummingbird!

Charlie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me?

Alan: You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.

Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to do, take his bronchial inhaler?

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3. Charlie: I can’t do this anymore. I quit.

Alan: You can’t quit poverty, Charlie.

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4. Charlie: You know, it wouldn’t kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

Alan: We don’t know that.

—

5. Charlie: [their mother just came to visit] So… to what do we owe the…

Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?

Charlie: No, that’s not it.

Evelyn Harper: Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much.

Alan: And they weren’t home?

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