One of our new favourite characters on television is Hank Moody from Californication. For those not familiar with the show or character, he is played by David Duchovny and would best be described as very pessimistic and self-loathing. Whatever you think of Hank, he has some of the best quotes on TV and is right up there with another one of our faves, Ari Gold for best one-liners.

Here is a list of quotes and clips that will show you why.

Hank Moody: [looking in bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you fucking douche.

Hank Moody: It’s not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank Moody: I love women. I have all their albums.

Hank Moody: You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly.

Hank Moody: You’re looking at me like I just finger-banged your cat.

Hank Moody: Oh, look at the time…. The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off….. Good thing there’s not a second hand. I’m goin’ in.

Hank Moody: Oh, I know that look. That’s the look that shrivels me testes.

Hank Moody: Well, you should’ve called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you coulda left a message, which I would’ve quickly erased.

Hank Moody: A BRONER!!! An unintentional male inspired boner.. thats the word I’m looking for.

Hank Moody: How the fuck do you option a blog? What is there to option? The title? The font?

Hank Moody: Yo K-Fed, the little man on the boat he’s up here, that’s where he is, right here.

Hank Moody: I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

Hank Moody: Trust me, it’s like a Mapplethorpe shoot in there, except with less cock.

Hank Moody: You looking for a dick punch?
Bill: Do you want to punch me in the dick?
Hank Moody: I kinda do, yeah. But standing here talking about it is beginning to sound pretty gay

Hank Moody: Funky back-tat on the small of the back there, you know what that means.
Charlie: No
Hank Moody: She likes it in the pooper.
Charlie: Really?
Hank Moody: I have no idea, I just wanted to say pooper.

Hank Moody: Well, your breasts are obviously real… and… eh… you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and… eh… there’s no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I’d say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I’ve seen in a long, long time.

Hank Moody: (To Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

The following is one of our favourite bits of dialogue to date.

Henry Rollins: What’s your latest obsession?
Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People…they don’t write anymore - they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it’s just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King’s English.
Henry Rollins: Yet you’re part of the problem, I mean you’re out there blogging with the best of them.
Hank Moody: Hence my self-loathing.

Video clips

Clip of what you just read


Hank hates you all


Hank buys a new car


Hank lays into a date


Got any Hank moments we missed and you want to share?

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