Every week T-Roc will share his thoughts on what is going on in college football, make picks and fire back at your nasty comments. Want to learn more about him, check out his first post or visit his archive.

Greetings. And welcome to Masturbate Theatre, where I write masturbatory shit about college football because I know the readership is here only ’cause of the site’s mad quality and Cuzzy’s sassy cheerleader pics.

In this week’s Masturbate Theatre, the mascots in each wagered game have a dialogue regarding their respective team’s chances for covering the spread, or the size of their dicks, or whatever. We all learn a lesson and have fun in the meantime.

Shall we get to the wankfest? Indeed. After you, sir.

All numbers are from Pinnaclesports.com from Wednesday evening.

Miami at Georgia Tech, Thursday, 7:45 p.m. ET: Over 40 ½

(Scene: An Atlanta restaurant as Buzz the Yellow Jacket and Sebastian the Ibis meet for a date)

Buzz: “Oh. My God! I am, like, SO nervous!!! This is SO exciting! It’s, like, both of us, are, like, 7-3… I don’t know… it’s, like, fate or something that we’re meeting and the whole country will be watching!”

Sebastian (already hating life, two minutes into the date): “You realize the whole ACC’s a running joke right now and the national spotlight will only magnify our being the brunt of the country’s college football derision?”

Buzz (giggling): “Oh stop it! You know you’re excited. You’re just nervous about people seeing us together. It’s OK, I’m nervous too! We’ll both make mistakes, and we’ll each score points off each other’s mistakes, but I think we’ll get it right eventually… don’t you, baby?”

Sebastian (rising to leave): “No. No I don’t, you nattering psycho. Buzz, honey, can’t you see past that huge stinger of yours? We’re about to embarrass ourselves in front of a whole nation, and not even Erin Andrews’ sweet ta-tas can make things any better. I’m outtie.”

Michigan State at Penn State, Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET: Penn State -14

(Scene: Nighttime at the docks as two mascots discreetly meet “by chance”)

Sparty the Spartan: “So it’s agreed, then? The old man gets the title this year and we’re on for ‘09?”?

The Nittany Lion: “Well, we can’t control how you do against the other guys next year, but you lay down this year and yeah, we’ll return the favour. One more thing - the spread’s down to 14, how’s about letting us cover the number… as a gift for the old man, a sign of respect, you know?”

Sparty: “The old man deserves such respect. The 14 points is fine. You? You have to earn respect. You ever orally pleasure a Spartan? No? Well, tonight you learn…”

(Sparty leads the humbled Lion into an abandoned warehouse)

BYU at Utah, Saturday, 6 p.m. ET: Utah -6 ½

(Scene: Cosmo the BYU Cougar, sharing a joint at the 50-yard line with Swoop, Utah’s red-tailed hawk):

Cosmo: “What happened to us? We used to be, like, cool, man!”

Swoop: “Huh? We aren’t cool anymore?”

Cosmo: “Exactly!!! We aren’t cool anymore. And it’s ’cause you think you’re so fucking good or something. It’s crass, man. It’s beneath you. I dunno, man… you just need to chill the fuck out or something.”

Swoop (silently thinks for a minute): “How’s this: I chill the fuck out… once you start paying for your share of the fucking weed. How you like them apples, you straight-edge bitch?”

UL-Lafayette at Troy, Saturday, 7 p.m. ET: Troy -9

(Scene: Cayenne, the Ragin’ Cajun pepper consoles an obviously downtrodden T-Roy the Trojan)

Cayenne: “What’s the matter, T-Roy? Still upset over last weekend’s collapse, huh?”

(T-Roy doesn’t say anything, but nods slowly through his sniffles and other feminine weepings)

Cayenne: “Well look on the bright side - at least you covered the spread! How’s that make you feel, making your bettors happy?”

T-Roy (meekly as he finally looks up): “A little better, I guess.”

Cayenne: “All right! And I know something else that’ll cheer you up: our defence sucks! We can’t stop anyone! It’s, like, a friggin’ miracle that we’re 4-1 in conference play. A double-digit win at home is pretty much guaranteed! You like that? Huh, you like that, little guy? Good, I thought you might.”

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati, Saturday, 7 p.m. ET: Pittsburgh +6

(Scene: A Pittsburgh nightclub on Friday night)

Cincy Bearcat: “You know what I am? I’m a big bear with claws and fangs… and big fucking teeth… and you’re like this little bunny who’s just cowering in the corner… and I’m looking at my claws and I’m thinking ‘How’m I s’posed to kill this bunny? How’m I supposed to win the Big East?’”

ROC, the Pitt Panther: “For starters, you’re a bearcat, not a bear. And I’m no fucking bunny.” (Lunges for CB’s throat) “Time for you to eat a panther dick.”

(Later, shaking his head) ROC: “It’s like that silly bitch totally ignored my record away from home, yo.”

Texas Tech at Oklahoma (-7), Saturday, 8 p.m. ET: Under 77

(Scene: Outside a honky tonk on Friday night as the mascots coincidentally step outside for cigarettes)

Texas Tech’s Masked Rider: “Yeah, fuckers, how’s my ass taste!?! What’s it like lookin’ up at my sweet ass in the standings? Yee-haw!”

Boomer, one of the big fucking OU horses: “Whatever dude, I heard Sam Bradford’s dick can throw a football over a moderately-sized hill.”

Masked Rider (giggling): “Yeah? Well I heard Graham Harrell fucked yer mom last night!”

Sooner, the other big fucking horse: “Dude, Graham Harrell had sex with a horse? That’s fucked up!”

Narrator: “In the meantime, while everyone was talkin’ QBs, no one noticed that the last four head-to-heads have averaged under 52 combined points per game.”

Last week: 4-2 ATS

Year-to-date: 35-36-1 ATS

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