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The New Year’s Bowls

Two days off. Ten bowl games. Five on each day.

The timing is superb. The symmetry is fantastic. The appeal is undeniable. There’s no doubt about it - it’s a “perfect 10″.

Bo Derek in her braided and bikinied glory was the vixen in 1979’s “10″, a title referring to her ranking as the then-apex of the female form. Here are the best bets for the New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day bowl games, along with each game’s closest equivalent in Hollywood hottie form.

All numbers are based on Pinnacle.com’s betting lines as of December 29.

Wednesday, December 31

Noon ET - Armed Forces Bowl

Air Force vs. Houston: Air Force + 3 ½

Offensive numbers make the Cougars Wednesday’s favourite, but the Falcons won the September matchup, in Houston no less, a fact that can’t be ignored. Also not to be ignored - the physical stamina of the athletes produced by the Air Force Academy.

Speaking of the military lifestyle… brush-cut and bloodied isn’t a normal description for a dream girl, but Demi Moore’s physique in G.I. Jane was just ridiculous. Thanks to her racktastic turn in Striptease and her subsequent butch buffness, Demi was the queen of Hollywood bodies in 1996-97.

2:30 p.m. ET - Sun Bowl

Pitt vs. Oregon State: Over 51

I almost felt guilty watching LeSean McCoy run as a freshman last year. “But he’s too young to act like such a bad man!” I thought at the time. Fast-forward to this fall and I felt the same way about Jacquizz Rodgers. I see a shootout in El Paso.

Young talent whose legs make me feel a little bit dirty? In terms of the silver screen, that’d have to be leggy Blake Lively. Can Hollywood’s top gams belong to someone so recently a teenager? T-Roc says “Fuck yeah!”

3:30 p.m. ET - Music City Bowl

Boston College vs. Vanderbilt: Boston College -3 ½

Neither school ended the season on a positive note and that’s taken some of the tarnish off this game. But ugly quarterback play won’t tell the whole story in Nashville, as the hometown Commodores will be riled up for a potentially entertaining underdog story.

Regardless, the Music City Bowl could go largely underappreciated, not unlike the stunning Eva Green. The bulk of my friends only know her as “the chick who played Vesper Lynd.” Dolts! Has no one seen The Dreamers?!?

6 p.m. ET - Insight Bowl

Minnesota vs. Kansas: Kansas -8 ½

The Golden Gophers are finding support from bettors, narrowing this spread to single digits. The question to me is “Why?” Kansas has a great offense and ended its season with a win over Missouri. Minny stunk in the season’s second half, wrapping up with a 55-0 home loss to Iowa.

Rosario Dawson also makes me ask “why”, as in “Why isn’t she getting more magazine spreads?” Equal parts Amazon beauty queen and cool chick next door, I also frequently ask “Why won’t Rosario respond to my love letters?”

7:30 p.m. ET - Chik-Fil-A Bowl

LSU vs. Georgia Tech: Over 53 ½

The Old Faithful of non-BCS bowls, the Chick-fil-A Bowl should faithfully deliver another beauty of an SEC/ACC matchup. LSU coughed up a lot of points this season, especially in recent games, while Tech’s defence wasn’t exactly bulletproof either.

Angelina Jolie is even more dependable than the former Peach Bowl in delivering the goods. While she’s more interested in adopting third-world babies than anything else these days, Angelina turns it on like no one else when she feels the need.

Thursday, January 1

11 a.m. ET - Outback Bowl

Iowa vs. South Carolina: Iowa -4

The least glamourous Outback Bowl in recent memory, Thursday’s earliest game is saved by the presence of Shonn Greene, a marquee name in an otherwise drab game. Greene came out of nowhere to rally Iowa to an early record and always (always!) tops 100 yards.

In terms of a surprising emergence, Hollywood-style, try Katie Holmes’ ta-tas in The Gift. Did anyone really expect that pendulous fullness, that aereolar exposure? Thank you, Katie, for lettin’ em hang before you married crazy guy.

1 p.m. ET - Gator Bowl

Clemson vs. Nebraska: Over 56

An interesting game, one I can see living up to the standard set by the previous two Gator Bowls. Strong finishes to 2008 restored some lustre to these proud programs, both of which can score at will. Clemson’s impressive defensive numbers should take a hit against a legit Big 12 offense.

Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element featured some of the same elements as the Gator Bowl: intriguing unpredictability and an undeniable attractiveness. Jovovich, however, also possessed an insane girly-bod, pouty lips and an outfit consisting of athletic wrap.

1 p.m. ET - Capital One Bowl

Michigan State vs. Georgia: Georgia -7 ½

The premiere SEC/Big Ten showdown, put in the proper context, is a fantastic game. Both schools only lost to elite opponents and harboured conference championship hopes well past the halfway point of the season. I see Michigan State losing another lopsided battle to a superior opponent.

Put in the proper context, Penelope Cruz’s popularity in Spain can also be understood. Hearing her speak in her native Spanish in Vicky Christina Barcelona, Cruz was a busty goddess - let’s not require her to take another English-speaking role again.

5 p.m. ET - Rose Bowl

Penn State vs. USC: Penn State +8 ½

The first BCS bowl game will receive a lot of attention and deservedly so. Conference champions each coming within a big play or two of meeting in the national title game, what’s not to like? USC’s offence isn’t as scary as it’s been in recent years, so I’ll take the points with the visitors.

Scarlett Johanson is another L.A. attraction deserving all the credit she gets. Since being the cool chick in Ghost World, she’s demurely flaunted her abundant assets for the better part of a decade, much to the delight of this cat in particular.

8:15 p.m. ET - Orange Bowl

Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati: Virginia Tech +2 ½

Enough’s enough, stop with the Orange Bowl abuse! These guys reps don’t deserve the flak being heaped on this year’s Orange Bowl, which features a Hokies team that put together a convincing enough ACC title game for me to think VT ends the ACC’s streak of Orange Bowl futility.

Also taking too much flak? Keira Knightley. Every North American tabloid rags on her about her weight, but for fuck’s sake, look at yourselves in a frigging mirror, people! Maybe your fat arses are the problem, no? Keira could hardly be hotter, fuck all y’all. And Happy New Year… I’ll drink to her…

Record through December 25: 48-48-1 ATS

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