The new season of Rescue Me is rolling and it was a so great to have it back. The writing on the show is some of the best on TV and the conversations the guys have are amazing to listen to again and again.

Check out this list of awesome quotes we have compiled from Rescue Me.

  • Franco Rivera: In bed, she’s a wonder. Out of bed, she’s the jolly green goddamn giant. Best piece of ass I ever had.
  • Chief Jerry Reilly: What in the sweet chocolate Christ is a metrosexual?
  • Tommy Gavin: Let me tell you something, sister, you serve two purposes in this house - you can give me a blow job or make me a sandwich. I’m not in the mood for head and I had a late breakfast, so you’re shit out of luck.
  • Tommy Gavin: The harder I work, the luckier I goddamned get. There’s no golden ring at the end of the ride… it’s all bullshit. Tommy Gavin: Bless me father for I sinned… and so have you.
  • Kenny Lou: “Mint Pussy”. Probably one of *the* worst Ben & Jerry’s flavors ever.
  • Chief Jerry Reilly: Blessed screaming Jesus on a whole-wheat goddamn cracker.
  • Franco Rivera: He’s retarded.

Kenny Lou: Like Rainman retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?

  • Tommy Gavin: You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together. I’ve been in the middle of shit that would make you piss your pants right now. Uptown, downtown, Harlem, Brooklyn. But there ain’t no medals on my chest, assholes, ’cause I ain’t no hero. I’m a fireman. We’re not in the business of making heroes here. We’re in the business of discovering cowards, ’cause that’s what you are if you can’t take the heat. You’re a pussy, and there ain’t no room for pussies in the FDNY.
  • Lou: One question.

Mike: Yeah?
Sean: Ok.
Lou: Is that cocaine?
Sean: No. No.
Lou: Good, ’cause if it was, you’re doing it wrong.

  • Janet: A pipe is leaking in the kitchen, and Roger is coming over for dinner.

Tommy: He can’t fix it himself?
Janet: No, he’s not good with tools.
Tommy: That’s funny, seeing how he is one.

Kenny Lou: Geez. It’s true what they say, threeways, like youth, are wasted on the young.

  • Lou: Great day to carry 45 pounds of gear up and down 10 flights of stairs.

Sean: You know what they need to invent? Shorts. Bunker shorts.
Lou: There’s a little problem with your legs burning off.
Sean: It’s better than sweating my balls off, which I’m doin’ now.
Franco: So, what. Your balls are more important than your legs?
Sean: Well, you see. You can get fake legs.
Lou: He’s got a point.

  • Laura: You called me a twat!

Lou: No, I called you a stupid twat.

  • Tommy: Maybe I’ll take this ‘brokeback’ goddamned coffee travel thing and shove it up his ass!
  • Franco: Oh, shit. Sean Garrity readin’ a book. That’s the first sign of the Apocalypse.
  • Lou: Ask yourself this, Tom: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole?
  • Tommy: My foot is about to take the enlightened path up your ass!
  • Tommy: Well Why dont I just pull down my pants and pull it off the money tree growing out of my ass?
  • Lou: Why don’t you shut the hell up! Ya god damn sleeper cell! USA!
  • Sean: You wouldnt know a woman if she sat on your face.
  • Franco: What can I say; I’m an American and I love big titties.

Here is a clip to send you on your day. This one is known as “Spank Bank”.

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